Thief Girls Quartet is a casual platforming game developed and published by Masamitsu Games. The players get their choice of four phantom thieves who prowl the depths of a massive manor in search of hidden treasures. Armed with only a grappling hook, you are tasked to take on each tricky environment with the ease and elegance of a master thief.

A Place of Pitiful Pillaging

I’ve played games in the past with far more complicated graphics and movement, and yet Thief Girls Quartet chugs along at a pitiful few frames per second. I even attached my external storage just to make sure, only to seeThief Girls Quartet still runs at a snail’s pace.

This is especially prevalent on the level select. It improves considerably during actual gameplay, but delays between button inputs were consistent.

I shiver at the thought of trying to operate this game in the online mode. The game can only barely handle one character on screen. Trying to operate it with three extra players is a recipe for constant crashes and even more framerate drops.

Your girl of choice, now in three-dimensional chibi form, stumbles more than they sprint through a blurry environment. Be wary as you launch them into midair, forced to keep up with their jerky movements as they dangle aimlessly like sad windchimes.

A recent game I had the privilege of playing, Seafrog, demanded far more out of my PC to render its 2.5D graphics and fast paced skateboard platforming, and yet it ran far more smoothly than Thief Girls Quartet. Even standing still, it felt like the game was ready to go back to sleep.

Frustrating Navigating

For a game that prioritizes speed and reflexes, the awkward mouse controls severely inconvenience players.

I experimented with some of the other girls, hoping that perhaps my character of choice was causing so many hiccups, only to be proven wrong.

Navigating tricky platforming filled with obstacles is thrilling on paper, but Thief Girls Quartet offers little time to properly react. Pair with the on and off framerate issues, and you’ll more than likely plummet to the farthest part of the level or quit out of frustration. And that’s even factoring in the fact that the game has one hit deaths.

Mercifully, the game has immediate respawns, but I was definitely respawning a lot.

Thief Girls Quartet doesn’t even offer any incentive to try to understand its awkward play style. The need to find these hidden treasures is more self-motivated, meant to encourage players to navigate the levels as quickly as possible. And while I can see the need to challenge oneself, a challenge must be earned, not begrudingly accepted.

A Bunch of Boring Bandits

Even though the game has four female leads, not one of them has an iota of personality besides their costumes. The best the game can offer is their character portraits on the select screen, and even that is severely lacking.

Windy’s serious expression and front billing at least gives off the illusion of a leadership position. Reila’s witch hat and empty stare imply she’s the stoic and silent type. Bester, with their vaguely feline appearance and sunny color scheme, makes her the de facto ray of sunshine. And Luca’s cheeky grin and being the only bespecaled character implies they’re the brains of the operation.

But these are merely assumptions on my part, mostly on behalf of my embarrassing knowledge of archiving anime archetypes. Perhaps I should give the game kudos for even allowing the character designs to imply these personalities, but this is more so on my behalf to glean some illusion of a story.

Grappling, Not Very Gripping

It would have helped if any of the girls had different mobility options. Each girl gets around with a grappling hook, a choice that would be character specific item in any other game. I could see this item being in accordance with poster girl Windy, letting the game set the standard for the mobility.

But the supposedly mystical Reila has nothing enchanting about her move set. Bester’s hook at least has a claw at the end, and yet she cannot scale walls with her implied feline appendages. Luca has no technological advantage.

For a game with no real dialogue and no voice acting, this would have served some sort of purpose. Once again, I’ll be using Seafrog as an example. While the protagonist is silent, the simple fact that he grins in the face of danger while navigating the environment on a wrench says everything you need to know.

It’s simple, yes, but effective.

Compared to that Thief Girls Quartet which gives me nothing but surface level designs to work with, passably cute as they are.

This isn’t helped by the fact that most levels of the game take place in miserable, dreary corridors. Though there are some dignified, almost medieval inspirations at play, the environments are nothing short of drab and depressing. I suppose there is a certain beauty to the peaking sunshine through the sloped windows, but that’s about it for artistic integrity.

A Not So Great Escape

To sayThief Girls Quartet left me in agonizing pain is an exaggeration. To say it left me feeling listless and frustrated is an understatement. Its cast of characters would struggle to stand out in a C-tier anime, and its environments are generic at best, depressing at worst. But worst of all, its primary objective to be a fun yet challenging test of platforming is betrayed by its pitiful presentation.

Perhaps I just wasn’t cut out for the demands the game was giving, but I can’t say it was meeting me half way. Its flimsiness could be felt through the screen and the tricky traversal would better implemented in any other game. Thief Girls Quartet, even without a story, could have been a test of reflexes, but was instead a test of my patience. The only treasure to be found here is the money you’ll save.